‘Twas the night before New Year, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse…
Apart from Rosie Lewis who was having an extestential crisis.
It was in early December that I remembered the year 2017 would be arriving shortly, and there would be an influx of people on Facebook saying ‘New Year, New Me’, people bettering themselves, and asking me, ‘what are your New Year’s resolutions?’ Cue panic regarding New Year’s Resolutions.
‘It’s a New Year, there must be a new me!’ I worried. ‘Everyone else is doing it!’ (As my mum says, if your friends jumped off the pier, would you jump too? But, alas, I forgot about that saying for a while…)
I sat down to gather my thoughts and my possibilities. 2016 Rosie was a massive jumble of anxiety, Shakespeare, confusion, and gin. Who could 2017 Rosie be?
I could be an intrepid traveller, running off to different parts of the country to ‘find myself’. I could explore the world, meet new people, learn about new cultures!
Then I remembered that I have no money, I can’t stand up straight the majority of the time, and I don’t really have a desire to go travelling on my own.
I could be a full-time, dedicated worker. Like Dolly Parton, 9-5. Working all day, every day, to make that dolla dolla.
Then I remembered, I’m not all about the money. I need money to survive and I want to have a good life but I don’t want to work myself into the ground. What a way to make a living.
I could become a fitness guru! Green smoothies, 5am starts, getting those gains, Tuesday leg day, shaping my body to be the epitome of the human form.
Then I remembered, definitely not. I love being healthy but I’m not concerned about muscles or BMI. Sure, I’m concerned about my health and my looks, but not to the extent of waking up at 5am for it. I don’t think there’s anything on earth worth waking up at 5am for…
I could go home and take a year (or a few years) out; recover from my health problems, work down the mines, return to my Welsh roots.
Then I remembered, I’ve settled down in Winchester. I have my work and creativity and love and friendship up there. Wales is home but Winchester is where I live and thrive.
I could become a mother.
Then I remembered, NO. NO WAY, NOT YET SUNSHINE. NOT FOR MANY YEARS TO COME.
I could drop everything and join the circus.
Then I remembered, I have no discernible talent that could contribute to a circus in anyway. Apart from maybe falling over? Hmm. No.
I could go and work in a Greek taverna and escape it all.
Then I remembered, I don’t want to escape it all.
This internal dialogue continued up until December 31st, New Year’s Eve.
Here’s an example of the brain mush that was going on at this time – perhaps an SNL cast member, it’s not too late to take up a sport, maybe I could be a professional musician, perhaps if I gave up reading classics, I’ve always enjoyed interior design etc. etc. etc.
And then it hit me. ‘New Year, New Me’.
I don’t even know who ‘me’ is. I know I’m Rosie Lewis, but I don’t know how I would go about making myself new because I don’t even know who I am.
I am confused and fidgety and Welsh and in love. I know I like Shakespeare and hate Jonson. I love lemon curd and hate Marmite. I like dogs and cats but I’m not too fussed on hamsters. I have mental health problems and I’m fighting through them. I don’t know exactly what I’m doing after university but I know it’ll creative and theatre based. I like Sylvia Plath but I never got into Rupi Kaur. I love to watch the rain but I thrive in the sun.
These are all parts that make up ‘me’ and I don’t mind these parts. In fact, I quite like them. Although they make up ‘me’, I still don’t really know who I am yet. I’m 20 for Heaven’s sake! I’m just starting to like myself, I don’t want to change that! Just because some people want to renew themselves and be different people, it doesn’t mean that I have to.
New Year, Same Me. Panic over.
Just hopefully dealing better with my finances and washing my hair a bit more…
(Originally posted on January 1st 2016 @ https://rosiealou.wordpress.com/2017/01/01/new-year-new-me/)