My Employee of the Caudate Nucleus is misbehaving…

Dear Employee of the Caudate Nucleus,

This is an official warning from Head Office. Please consider your recent behaviour and the effect it has had on the Work Place.

In other words, what the hell are you playing at? Seriously. Over the last few weeks, nay, months, there has been an immense deterioration in your work. Like everyone, we all have blips in our work and we’ve discussed that, but this is like nothing we have experienced before. You have completely ignored all of the orders sent to you. For an example, one month ago, I requested ‘A Humorous Yet Savvy Blog Post About the Ghostbusters Reboot – ASAP’. What did I get in return? An essay entitled ‘101 Ways in Which You Are a Failure’. Whoa. I expect this from the Department of Mental Instability, but not from you.

Don’t just think that your change in behaviour and work has only affected Head Office, oh no. You’ve affected a large amount of the other departments too. I went to visit the Music Sector (usually large, noisy, and full of life). I found them all curled up around a record player, crying about the inadequacy of their own lyrics compared to Blur’s and Belle & Sebastian’s. Normally, the Music Sector don’t give a toss about their lyrics; they just want to get loaded and have a good time.  Your neglect on your department is severely affecting theirs. And don’t you get me started on the Department of Dissertation. For the last month, every time I ring them, all I can hear is screaming down the line, and I’ve got to hang up to save my ears.

If this issue was just as simple as your poor behaviour and lack of work ethic, we could have a little meeting, have some coffee, and go back to normal. But it’s not that simple, is it? No. You’ve decided to be theatrical and block off your entire office with a Les Mis inspired blockade. Nothing can permeate that wall – no witty comment about Trump, no opinion of Suicide Squad; not even a discussion about mental illness can drag you out of your hiding space (and we all know how much you love writing about that). I feel you are behaving very unreasonably.

I’m sorry Employee. I’m not angry, I’m just disappointed. All I want is for you to come back to us. Come back to me. Remember all the fun times we had, eh? Writing poems about Dragons in Year 3. Writing for the Young Playwright’s Festival in Year 7. Writing shite Morrissey-esque songs in our awkward teenage phase. Remember how happy we were when we got payed and published for the first time? And who could forget the backlash we got over that Red Light District blog post? Probably not a good example but there you go.

We could have some more good times… if you stopped being an insensitive nonce and pulled your arse out of hibernation. I am so close to firing you and hiring Emma Thompson’s Employee of the Caudate Nucleus (if it wasn’t already hired and didn’t cost so damn much).

Well, I would be so close to firing you if you weren’t just a little part of my brain. The only way to get rid of you is if I had a lobotomy. I definitely don’t want that. That would be painful and difficult, I don’t have time for that.

How about you just started behaving like normal and stop giving me writer’s block? Hmm? Sound good? That would be great.

I hope to see the next piece of work on my desk soon (and not in the form of a soul crushing essay, thank you).

Kind regards from The Head of the Work Place,



(The Caudate Nucleus is the part of the brain that is used when those who write a lot, write. This is according to Zimmer and Lotze and some other psychologists and scientists. Google it if you are interested)


(Originally posted on August 23rd August @ https://rosiealou.wordpress.com/2016/08/23/my-employee-of-the-caudate-nucleus-is-misbehaving/_


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